I believe...

• I believe string cheese should be marketed in pairs, like Pop Tarts or Twix.


• I believe there is such a thing as a stupid question. The fact that one is usually paired with a stupid questioner is rarely coincidental.


• I believe the neti pot is man’s most frightening, uncomfortable, revolting non-nuclear creation—and also the most unexpectedly gratifying. Fellow neti pot users will agree that the temptation to carry one on your person at all times can be worryingly strong.


• I believe in collecting skills the way my father believes in collecting coins. (Or guns. Just saying, Shawshank.) You never know when you’ll be kidnapped and need to know how to drive a stick, shoot a gun, ride a horse, speak a foreign language, or tie a sailor’s knot. It occurs to me that I may have watched too much MacGyver.


• I believe everybody should dance to at least one song per day with embarrassing abandon, for mental health.
  
  
  • (Rumor has it that Flo Rida’s “Low” can be especially suited to this activity.)
  
  
  • (Rumor also warns readers that aforementioned song could wriggle its way to the top of your play rotation inexplicably often, no matter how vehemently you declare your contempt for rap.)
  
  
  • (Rumor is also quietly tickled at the name Flo Rida, since the state of Florida is not exactly known for its posturing hip hop stars, but rumor does not bring this up very often, lest a cap gets popped in rumor’s ass.)


• I believe Ashley Judd and Charlize Theron may be the same person.


• I believe that life should have camera angles and a soundtrack. That way, when you walk into the bathroom to find that your cat is LICKING YOUR TOOTHBRUSH OH MY GOD HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON?, it would be accompanied by the appropriate sudden zoom and frantic violins.


• I believe cobblers (occupational, not pastry) are underrated and underutilized in today’s society. My cobbler (who repeatedly tries to get me to call him a shoe repairman, and fails) is one of many people in my life who I wish wore arm garters and spoke with a Cockney accent.


• I believe my family is under some sort of ancient voodoo health curse. It is the only scientific explanation for the last two years. In other news, there are approximately 44 ceiling tiles per the average hospital room in Omaha. I’ve counted.


• I believe Las Vegas is what south Detroit would look like if Lite Brite ate it.

What do you believe?