What I Did on My (Unintentional) Summer Vacation

Gah! What happened to me?

Where have I been? What happened to all the hilarity I was going to write? I really did have big plans and ideas for the blog; I took mental notes on all the interesting things that were happening to me. I was inspired to write whole paragraphs in my head. I just…seem to have dropped all the words somewhere between my brain and my computer. I’m sorry, you guys: I took an unintended summer vacation.

Please allow me to catch up, briefly:

• I went to New York in June and was waylaid by a massive failure on the part of Continental’s computer system, pairing me in line for two hours with a sarcastic businessman from New York and a surprisingly uppity nun on her way to Rome (the latter of whom confided to me that she thought she had “a touch of the ESP” and who asked her ticketing representative if the refund policy had any stipulations for An Act of—wait for it—the Devil). I kid you not. God dropped a biblical episode of "Three’s Company" into my lap, and somehow I still failed to blog. There was a figurative ball, and I dropped it.


• I meant to update you on my decision about how to approach Shawshank’s apology, and to thank you each for your contributions and suggestions. I had trouble figuring out how to say exactly the right thing, so I ultimately decided to let him bask in my biting, witty silence. But since I kind of forgot to come back in here and tell you that, I was unintentionally letting you all bask in it, too.


• I came home from a business trip one weekend to find that my bathroom’s plumbing had exploded in all sorts of interesting ways, and there ensued a round-the-clock comedy of errors that involved three plumbers, a walking paper cut of a maintenance man, and one apartment tenant whose sense of humor gets a little mean when she doesn’t sleep or shower for 32 hours.


• I went to Texas to visit friends for the Fourth of July and I discovered the key to Wii yoga: a bottle of wine and a lot of trash talking. Also, there is nothing more amusing than watching someone do Wii hula-hooping while mildly intoxicated.


• I’ve been working more hours than the FDA’s recommended daily allowance. But even though my pupils have morphed into little computer screens, I’m feeling good about what I’ve accomplished. I haven’t really slept for three months, but…accomplishy!


• I’ve been spending a lot of time with horses this summer, which is a long-awaited return to form for me. I had (not entirely intentionally) taken a bit of a break from the horse world right about the time I started this blog, remaining a part of my horse community but considerably decreasing my involvement, which is why I haven’t mentioned it here very much. I’m happy to say that I’m back in the saddle again, and there is a new horse in my life that can loosely be termed “mine.” This is fantastic, but all this riding has reminded me how out of shape I am. I consistently come home from the barn with melty muscles and every intention to hire a live-in masseuse. By the time enough feeling has returned to my extremities to operate light machinery, I am usually too drained to blog. I’m sure you can see where this is going: I’m about to be inspired by my semi-annual desire to get back into diet and exercise, which will inevitably result in more posts like these. God willing.


• I’ve recently found out that “my” Starbucks is closing. Whatever your feelings on this caffeinated corporate colossus, I can assure you that there are not nearly as many Starbucks per square mile in Omaha as there are in the rest of this country, and so the closing of my very favorite location has hit me hard. My Sbux, as I affectionately (and irritatingly, pretentiously, or possibly hipster-ishly) call it, is exactly one block from my workplace. The proximity has resulted in fairly regular visits from my coworkers and me. And by “fairly regularly,” I mean, “they know us by name and start preparing our drinks when they see us approach the building.” When the location’s manager broke the news to us, we crumbled like the delicate flowers we are. There was the clutching of pearls, the rending of garments, and talk of a sit-in. As soon as I find out the exact date of closure, I will make preparations for sitting shiva.


• My only sister in the whole wide world is about to have her first child. OMG. OMG OMG OMG. I’m going to be an Auntie! I plan to be the cool aunt who listens to hip music and tries not to swear too much. For now, I am ignoring the fact that my future niece/nephew’s parents listen to hipper music than I do, and one of my favorite exclamations is, “Mother of pearl!”

You’re probably tiring of reading posts from me that apologize for my absence and then get your hopes up about my plans to blog more often. So I’m not going to promise that this time. Conveniently, this is not only amazingly considerate and kindhearted of me, but it also lets me off the hook for when I forget to blog again for three months.