Have a happy holiday!

If there is one thing that defines America as a country, it is our ability to commercialize. (Well, and also our obsession with home improvement shows, but I fault Paige Davis for that.) We can take any aspect of the human condition and make a production out of it, making it into a reality show or a t-shirt or a holiday or an appreciation month. We are inventors of the inane, masters of the kitsch. And we will make cupcakes for anything. (see National Punctuation Day, below)

According to the U.S. Office of Personnel Management (and the other 187 websites I used to research this blog post), there are 10 nationally celebrated federal holidays this year, eight of which honor dead people. Beyond these days, on which we are all legally obligated to sleep in and watch marathons on the USA network, there are 28 federal observance days (designated by Congress, but which do not warrant a day off work), 9 federal observance weeks (including, I kid you not, “Safe Boating Week”), and 10 federal observance months. Additionally, there are 38 state holidays, roughly 30 generally accepted “Hallmark Holidays,” and an ambiguous number of “locally recognized holidays.”

Still, that’s not enough. Citizens demand more things to write in their Day Timers, if only to make it look like they lead interesting and jam-packed lives.

Luckily, there is a whole host of “unofficial” holidays and observances to fill this need. Some of them are clever (Ditch New Year’s Resolution Day – January 17), some of them are strange (Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day – February 20), some of them are a little scary (National Male Watcher’s Day – January 8), and some of them are unusually specific (National Strawberry Sundae Day – July 7).

Some are certainly more well-known than others. You probably know about International Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19). If you ever took a high school math class, you’ve probably celebrated Pi Day (3/14, naturally) with baked goods and a calculator, whether you wanted to or not. If you’re especially creepy, you may even have heard of National Star Wars Day (May 4, “May the Fourth be with you!”), though I would not recommend making that public knowledge. But did you know about Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (last Monday in January), National Flossing Day (the day after Thanksgiving), or Singing Telegram Day (July 28)?

In fact, just today (October 25), we should be celebrating Punk For a Day Day, World Pasta Day, Say “Hey” Day, and Picasso Day.

Tomorrow (October 26) is National Mincemeat Day and Mule Day. Please excuse me while I die laughing from the juxtaposition of those celebrations.

As if my birthday (November 12) were not enough of a reason to celebrate, it is also a time to celebrate Happy Hour Day, Pizza With No Anchovies Day (not to be confused with Cheese Pizza Day, which is September 5), and Chicken Soup For the Soul Day. I know. Please contain your enthusiasm.

The wealth of sort-of-holidays in this country is staggering. According to my meticulous research, we’ll celebrate anything. We embrace the positive (Positive Thinking Day – September 13), the negative (Humbug Day – December 21), and the neutral (No News Is Good News Day – September 11). We aim to align our actions, urging everyone to do the same thing on the same day, for better (World Gratitude Day – September 21) or for worse (International Panic Day – June 18). We both empower (I Am In Control Day – March 30) and condemn (Work Like a Dog Day – August 5), sometimes on the same day (Make up Your Mind Day and Unlucky Day – December 31)!

I get the feeling there’s a rather big holiday coming up at the end of the month, but I can’t remember what it could be. Something having to do with the supernatural? Oh, right! I remember now: Increase Your Psychic Powers Day (October 31)! But you already knew that.

In conclusion, I would like to leave you with a photograph of some cupcakes my sister (an editor at a New York publishing house) made for National Punctuation Day (September 24) this year, because they are awesome:


(I think I sprained my linker.)