Stand-Up Guy.

Here’s what I think: if you make a date with a girl and then don’t show up, you do NOT get a “do-over” for Saturday night. I’m pretty sure that’s written in stone somewhere.

Triathlete’s stock just plummeted, in case you were wondering.

We had a coffee date for 7:00 Thursday night. This led me to believe that if I arrived at the coffee shop at 7:00 on Thursday night, looking kind of fabulous, there would be someone there waiting to have coffee with me. By 7:40, I ran out of coffee and text messages, and went home.

I had a message waiting for me on my machine from Triathlete. (There’s a long story in here about why he didn’t have my cell phone number, but it’s not enough to exonerate him, so I’m not going to get into it.) The message was time-stamped at 7:34. Here is what it said:

“Hey, [Meldraw], it’s [Triathlete]. I think I said we would meet at 7:30 tonight. I’m running behind, though, so I was wondering if we could make it 8:00 or 8:30 instead? Give me a call.”

I had two immediate reactions to this message:

1. Oh, HELLS no. You said 7:00, dawg. I wrote it down.


2. Who makes a date, sets the time and place, and then doesn’t go out of their way to keep said date? And then when they know they’re going to be late, who waits until four minutes after they’re technically late (or 34 minutes, depending on who you ask) to call and reschedule? And who expects their disrespected date to jump on the chance to rearrange her schedule to cater to his beck and call? On the first date? With no apology? Who does that?

So of course I called him back, and here’s what was said (and what was really meant):

Triathlete: Hello?

Meldraw: Hello, [Triathlete]?

T: Yeah, hi!

M: How are you?
(Dead? Maimed? Otherwise incapacitated?)

T: Good.
(Um.)

M: So…
(Here’s your chance. Use it wisely.)

T: So, I know we said 7:30—
(Because if I say it enough times, it eventually becomes true.)

M: —um, actually…I thought we said 7:00.
(I’m being deliberately generous. I know it was 7:00. And I’m not going to go all Jennifer Flowers on you here, but that’s only because I don’t think my phone has a “record” feature.)

T: Ohhh, no, I said…I’m pretty sure I said 7:30.
(Even though it is now 8:00.)

M: (Long pause) Well, I could have misunderstood. (Even though I didn’t.) I got there at 7:00.
(Alone.)

T: Oh…
(Oh, s***.)

M: And I left at 7:40.
(Alone.)

T: Ohhhhh.
(Uh-oh.)

M: …
(I’ll give you a minute to think about that.)

T: I'm...sorry.
(I guess.)

M: Also, I've made other plans for tonight, since I thought you were MIA, so I can't get together with you later.
(You missed your chance, dude.)

T: So what are you doing Saturday?
(When in doubt, go for the gold.)

M: Actually, I have plans Saturday.
(I plan to NOT go out with you.)

T: Oh.
(And Sunday?)

M: Look, I’m in kind of an awkward position here.
(And by “awkward,” I mean “completely out of your league.”)

T: Oh?

M: I’ve recently started seeing someone else.
(23 “someone else”s, in fact. Would you like to see my inbox?) (I’m willing to bet at least 75% of them are more punctual and respectful than you are.) (And I know six of them are weight-lifters, at least one of them is a bouncer, and one kicks the crap out of prison inmates for a living. In case you’d like me to introduce you.)

T: I see.
(So, is this a “no” for Sunday?)

M: So if you don’t mind, I think I’m going to have to bow out here.
(Though, please understand that I don’t really care if you mind.)

T: Ah, okay.
(Yeah, that’s a “no.”)

M: I don’t mean to be rude…
(Like you.)

T: No, I understand.
(I sense I might have lost this one.)

M: Alright, well, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
(And also a little grateful that I was never that invested in you.)

T: Okay. Bye.
(Oops.)

M: Bye.
(Good luck with finding a doormat.)

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