Tuesday, September 09, 2008

What do I do now?

I lost my job three weeks ago.

Immediately afterward, I had exactly one question on my mind, so I did the only reasonable thing a person of my generation, resources, and sense of irony could think of. I Googled, "What do I do now?"

The fact that the first search result I clicked on yielded an "Access Denied" page was neither encouraging nor unexpected, but it made me smile and I felt like that was the right answer. I didn't click on any other results.

Even the internet, it seems, wants me to figure it out my own damn self.


***


When I started at my job nearly three years ago, I was excited. I didn't know much about insurance (by which I mean I knew absolutely nothing at all, and bordered on knowing negative amounts of information), but it didn't really matter. I had a job that didn't require me to wear my name on my shirt. I had a career path. A beginning. Fancy pants and all.

It didn't take long for me to pick up the intricacies of the insurance industry, and it took a coincidentally similar amount of time for me to learn to despise it. That industry is no place for a creative person.

By the time the executives made the decision last month to institute company-wide lay-offs, I was looking for a release—and at least half of me was hoping this would be it. My job gave me too many headaches, and I had already injured my jaw from unconsciously grinding my teeth. I couldn’t think of a single thing that I liked about my job (except for a precious few coworkers) (and perhaps my shiny, shiny MacBook Pro—may it rest in peace, Amen). When my alarm would go off every morning, I’d get a very cold feeling somewhere in my stomach that even my favorite Starbucks baristas couldn’t make go away.

Still, no matter how much you’re ready for it—no matter how much you’re hoping you’ll be let off the hook with a little bit of severance to smooth things over, no matter how glad you will be to leave your little cube-shaped prison and go frolic in the sunshine on a Wednesday afternoon—it kind of hurts to not be wanted anymore.

It was a little bit of a punch to the gut. Only the punch was cruelly drawn out, like a slow motion fight scene in a Tarantino movie. I was called by my Des Moines-based boss at 9:30 in the morning and asked to be in a meeting at 12:30. In HR. Oh.

I had three hours to stare at my computer and process the 99.9% probability that by the end of that meeting, I would have absolutely no idea what my future held. I don’t know if that time helped calm my nerves or just tied them into a French braid inside my ribcage, but by the time I got to the meeting I had run out of things to think about.

I made very poor small talk with my HR representative as we waited for my boss and my boss’s boss (my Grandboss?) to phone in on a conference call. I think she asked me about the weather. There was a lot of awkward silence.

The phone call itself was a soulless recitation of whatever formalities my Grandboss had drafted earlier. Downsizing, reorganization, position eliminated, etc. Presumably, he had been reading this same speech to several people that day, one after the other, substituting names and job titles where appropriate. All I heard was an overview of a predictably laughable severance package and the words, “go home for the afternoon and come back tomorrow morning.” My own boss was silent throughout the call.

I was fine, or would have been if my damn HR rep had not looked so unbelievably pitying. I blame her for my having to fight back tears on the walk back to my cubicle. Thanks a lot, HR.

Though my last official day of employment was not for another two weeks, I was only required to work another two days and wrap things up. I packed up my cubicle in a couple of very stereotypical paper boxes, wiped everything off my computer (may it rest in peace, Amen), and wrote a couple of goodbye emails. I got a lot of astonished visits to my cubicle from well-meaning coworkers and spent exhausting hours placating people who were scandalized by my termination. I hugged people I never quite imagined hugging before.

On my last day, my boss came in from Des Moines to take me to lunch, say kind things about me, and confiscate my MacBook Pro (rest, peace, etc). I half-joked about keeping it as a gesture of goodwill and she half-joked about looking into it. I think her half was bigger than my half.

A couple of days were all I needed to get over the little bit of hurt. By the time I walked out the door of my office building for the last time, all conflicting traces of gut-punch were gone. I really was glad to be leaving. I practically skipped to my car.

What has surprised me maybe more than anything in the wake of this event has been how easy it has been to let my schedule and discipline fall away. In a perfect world, I had always said, when I wouldn’t have to work all day, I would have the time to accomplish all the things that need accomplishing. I always scoffed at those people who would find themselves unemployed, sitting in a slovenly room eating Twinkies and watching TV on the couch all day. But, wow. That’s a really easy place to find oneself.

It snuck up on me, too. My first free day, I had no idea what to do. I looked around my apartment and couldn’t figure out which things should keep me busy. I was normally at work, and it felt strange not to be there. I spent a lot of time on the phone with well-wishers. I started many things and then stopped them. I started this blog entry, in fact. The first line was: “I lost my job yesterday.”

Then I just stopped doing things. I didn’t answer emails. I slept in. I watched whole seasons of television shows on DVD that I had been meaning to watch. I read more books than I have had time to read in three years. Periodically, I’d go over to my computer and alter the always-open Word document that was supposed to be my blog entry. I changed the first line to: “I lost my job three days ago.” Then “a week ago.” Then “two weeks ago.” And now here we are.

At first it was because I told myself that I was entitled to some “me” time. I still think that’s true. I went to Lincoln every single day of my first “me” week and rode my horse until I couldn’t think of any reason to be unhappy ever again. That was undoubtedly the right thing for me.

But I had always intended to pull myself back into productivity by the second week, and get going on the whole resume-job-search-find-a-way-to-pay-the-rent thing. I didn’t expect that the second week (and third!) would be so lethargic and…depressed. I had so many things on my To Do list, and dispiritedly ignored almost all of them. I let my blog entry Word doc sit untouched. I put off responding to friends’ emails until “tomorrow,” always tomorrow. I kept stepping around a giant stain on my kitchen floor that I meant to clean up whenever I got around to cleaning my apartment. I was that person I used to scoff at.

I’ve begun to come out of my stupor, though, I think. I’ve made a conscious effort to do one thing at a time until I’m suddenly doing things again. First I scrubbed my kitchen floor, and then things started fall into place. I took care of some documents for HR. I filed for unemployment. I wrote this blog entry. I wrapped up some freelance things. I took an outplacement course. I updated my resume. I do get waylaid by TiVo or a good book now and then, but I’m getting back into the swing.

I still have a lot to do, but at least I have new question now. Instead of “What do I do?” it has become “What’s around the corner?” I find that I’m rather looking forward to the answer.

5 Comments:

At 7:54 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

So odd, my dear Meldraw; I've been necessarily 'hermiting' for a while, and tonight of all nights, I thought, how is that spectacular woman doing? So, before I got ready for bed (I know, that is pathetic, given how early it is), I thought to check your blog, which I haven't for the longest time, and find this.

I think it's great that you wrote this post. I think it's phenomenal that you scrubbed your floor (mine is seriously jealous). I think it sucks that you're feeling the way you are. And I think that a grand new adventure will be yours soon. Clearly the job had served its purpose in your journey, and at this point, was only taking you in the wrong direction, given your passions and destiny.

One of my loved quotes:

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
Anatole France

...which I guess sounds a lot more depressing than the inspiration that I meant for it to be!

A new life awaits.

 
At 8:13 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you've heard me say a million times, things happen for the best. Every time you would be upset that we had to move again, I would remind you of the time before, and how you never would have met your current friends if we hadn't moved. OK, maybe it was lame, but it helped.

I know you weren't happy at Stupid-Insurance-Company-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, so this is the time to find a job that will make you happier - at least until it's time to make the next move.

Or else you can always move back to your folks.....

 
At 8:32 AM , Blogger Examorata said...

Man, and isn't it great that "what's around the corner" isn't more of that horrid job? Damn straight.

I think that a little bit of stupor-time, a reboot if you will, is a fine thing in this situation sometimes. The first time I got laid off, I was all, "Temp job! Back up there! Hup hup!" The second time I got laid off, a mere ten months later I might add, I was all, "BUH. What NOW." And I fell off the edge for a little bit. But it all came together, and it is better than ever. I don't have the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. Isn't it great not to!?

 
At 5:30 PM , Blogger Invisiblegirl said...

My dear Mel, I love this post. I've ridden that rollercoaster myself, and can completely relate. It looks like fun, when you're sitting on the lame, redundant, slow-moving carousel. It looks even more appealing when you're thisclose to getting onboard. And then once you're on...it's fun at first. Then scary, then unpredictable, then exhilarating in its unpredictability, then manageable. It's a rollercoaster, after all, and while it can be frightening, it's also meant to be enjoyed.

It sounds like you're making the most of the time you have, downtime and all.

And that offer to move in with your folks? I totally want to do that. Your mom rocks.

 
At 5:04 PM , Blogger Unknown said...

Good luck, good vibes, and many hugs.

I'm glad to hear that you took some time to let your brain lie fallow, and also that you got off the couch and back on your feet.

 

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