Booty camp.

I walked into the office today feeling kind of great. The woman behind me in line at Starbucks this morning complimented me on my hair, using phrases like "perfect haircut" and "sits beautifully." She may have wanted to touch it. I gave all the credit to my hairdresser of almost ten years, grabbed my coffee, and strode into my building feeling kind of rockin'.

Coworker #1: "What up, M-skillet?"

Me: "Morning!"

Coworker #2: "Stop right there. Have you been losing weight?"

M: "Pardon?"

C2: "Have you been losing weight?"

M: "Sorry, I just wanted to hear you say it again. Not to my knowledge, but thank you for saying so!"

C2: "Are you sure?" To C1: "Doesn't she look awesome?"

C1: (nods) "Awesome."

M: "I like you guys more and more every day."

C2: "Are you trying to lose weight? Because I think you're skinnier."

M: "Not until next week. But thank you for the preemptive ego boost."

C2: "Well, I think you look fabulous."

M: "I think I must owe you money or something. But you're very kind."


***


I guess I woke up on the right side of the bed today—and stepped into a good-hair, slimming-outfit, perfect-accessories day. Go me (and the new outfit I bought this weekend, which apparently makes people hallucinate about my overall size)!

I was serious about turning over a new leaf next week, though. It's time to re-approach my diet and exercise, and I'm ready for another shot at a healthy lifestyle. I've done it before; I know I can do it again. After I graduated from college and my sister presented me with a congratulatory trip to Mexico, I slimmed down and got into the best shape of my adult life. My habits were good, and I stayed that way for some time. Then my parents got sick, and family members started dying. I kind of gave my life away for a little while, and I never really took it back.

My parents are fine now, and it's time to work on me.

The grande skinny caramel latte I was enjoying this morning (with an extra shot of self esteem) was one of the last three or four Starbucks products I will be enjoying for the next little while. And yes, my eyes are watering as I type those words. But I am adamant about giving myself a few stern rules while I go into nutritional rehab, at least until I get my habits back in order.


Meldraw's Four Habit-Building Rules for a Non-Cheesecake-Driven Lifestyle:

1. Follow the Weight Watchers general POINTS system to regulate daily diet.
   
   I did this before I went to Mexico, with huge success. The POINTS system works for me because I have complete control over what I eat, and I make my own decisions about how to distribute my resources. It leaves me room to splurge when necessary without falling of the wagon, and it encourages me to eat lots of "free" foods like veggies. It's very balanced, and easy to track. It's also easy to follow on my own, without having to actually pay for a membership or buy pre-packaged food. Most importantly, however, it gets me thinking about what I am consuming, and it gets me into the habit of making good decisions about my portion sizes and food choices.
   
   This does not mean, however, that I will be attending Weight Watchers meetings anytime soon. If there is one thing I dislike more than paying someone to put me on a damn scale, it's getting together in a room with a lot of other hungry people to share my feelings about food. That's not how I roll.


2. No more Starbucks.
   
   Even if my Starbucks wasn't closing its doors forever on what will prove to be a very sad and dark September 12, I would probably still institute this rule for myself. No more lattes first thing in the morning. No more scones for breakfast. No more frappuccinos on a hot afternoon. No more beverages sprinkled with caramel or chocolate or whipped cream. These are unnecessary calories, tasty though they may be. They're also extremely expensive calories, and I didn't exactly barter for that magically slimming outfit this weekend.
   
   Instead, I will make coffee at home. It will be cheaper, healthier, and will encourage me to use my very favorite coffee-maker in the whole wide world. Not only does it grind the beans and percolate the coffee in one easy step, but it's also got a timer so that it's ready for me when I wake up in the morning. Bonus: the grinder is loud enough to act as a second (okay, third, shut up) alarm to get my ass out of bed in the morning. I may actually get to work on time.


3. Don't keep soda in the house.
   
   If you've spent any time at all with me, you are probably well aware that my blood is about 75% Diet Dr Pepper (and another 10% Diet Coke). My fridge is always well-stocked with cans, and I drink it with just about anything. And while it doesn't have any calories or sugar, it does have an awful lot of carbonation, aspartame, sodium, and caffeine. I could probably use less of all of those things. I'm not going to swear off soda altogether, because I know that would just set me up for failure and I don't really believe in completely giving up the things you like, but I will stop keeping it in my apartment. It will encourage me to drink more water, something I'll definitely need to aid me in my next rule...


4. Get some sort of physical work-out every day.
   
   I'm not joining that gym again, where Leah the Fitness Nazi tried to kill me so many times before. For one thing, I have a free Fitness Room in my apartment complex. Free! It's a grand total of 25 steps from my back door. For another thing, Leah makes my life hurt. So I'm going to make use of the free Fitness Room and its elliptical machine, weights center, and treadmill. I'm not limiting my definition of "work-out" to a stifling gym, though. I might go to the gym one day, go swimming the next day, take my bike out on a nearby trail another day. I also go horseback riding every Saturday (sometimes more), and that totally counts. I can already feel how much my endurance has improved since I've started riding again.
   
   Tonight, for example, even though I haven't technically started my boot camp yet, I am attending my first ever yoga class. A friend of mine is a yoga instructor and I've been meaning to attend one of her classes for over a year. So, here I go. Since this class is "Yoga for Deep Relaxation," and she assures me that everybody has to start somewhere, I'm hoping she won't totally kick my ass. We'll see.

So, that's it. Those are my four rules. They officially go into effect this coming Sunday, when I will kick off Week One of Taking Back My Life. I'm trying to gradually introduce some of those rules even now—I won't restock my refrigerator when the Diet DP runs out, and I'm looking forward to my yoga class this evening.

The Starbucks thing...well, I'll worry about that on Sunday.

What I Did on My (Unintentional) Summer Vacation

Gah! What happened to me?

Where have I been? What happened to all the hilarity I was going to write? I really did have big plans and ideas for the blog; I took mental notes on all the interesting things that were happening to me. I was inspired to write whole paragraphs in my head. I just…seem to have dropped all the words somewhere between my brain and my computer. I’m sorry, you guys: I took an unintended summer vacation.

Please allow me to catch up, briefly:

• I went to New York in June and was waylaid by a massive failure on the part of Continental’s computer system, pairing me in line for two hours with a sarcastic businessman from New York and a surprisingly uppity nun on her way to Rome (the latter of whom confided to me that she thought she had “a touch of the ESP” and who asked her ticketing representative if the refund policy had any stipulations for An Act of—wait for it—the Devil). I kid you not. God dropped a biblical episode of "Three’s Company" into my lap, and somehow I still failed to blog. There was a figurative ball, and I dropped it.


• I meant to update you on my decision about how to approach Shawshank’s apology, and to thank you each for your contributions and suggestions. I had trouble figuring out how to say exactly the right thing, so I ultimately decided to let him bask in my biting, witty silence. But since I kind of forgot to come back in here and tell you that, I was unintentionally letting you all bask in it, too.


• I came home from a business trip one weekend to find that my bathroom’s plumbing had exploded in all sorts of interesting ways, and there ensued a round-the-clock comedy of errors that involved three plumbers, a walking paper cut of a maintenance man, and one apartment tenant whose sense of humor gets a little mean when she doesn’t sleep or shower for 32 hours.


• I went to Texas to visit friends for the Fourth of July and I discovered the key to Wii yoga: a bottle of wine and a lot of trash talking. Also, there is nothing more amusing than watching someone do Wii hula-hooping while mildly intoxicated.


• I’ve been working more hours than the FDA’s recommended daily allowance. But even though my pupils have morphed into little computer screens, I’m feeling good about what I’ve accomplished. I haven’t really slept for three months, but…accomplishy!


• I’ve been spending a lot of time with horses this summer, which is a long-awaited return to form for me. I had (not entirely intentionally) taken a bit of a break from the horse world right about the time I started this blog, remaining a part of my horse community but considerably decreasing my involvement, which is why I haven’t mentioned it here very much. I’m happy to say that I’m back in the saddle again, and there is a new horse in my life that can loosely be termed “mine.” This is fantastic, but all this riding has reminded me how out of shape I am. I consistently come home from the barn with melty muscles and every intention to hire a live-in masseuse. By the time enough feeling has returned to my extremities to operate light machinery, I am usually too drained to blog. I’m sure you can see where this is going: I’m about to be inspired by my semi-annual desire to get back into diet and exercise, which will inevitably result in more posts like these. God willing.


• I’ve recently found out that “my” Starbucks is closing. Whatever your feelings on this caffeinated corporate colossus, I can assure you that there are not nearly as many Starbucks per square mile in Omaha as there are in the rest of this country, and so the closing of my very favorite location has hit me hard. My Sbux, as I affectionately (and irritatingly, pretentiously, or possibly hipster-ishly) call it, is exactly one block from my workplace. The proximity has resulted in fairly regular visits from my coworkers and me. And by “fairly regularly,” I mean, “they know us by name and start preparing our drinks when they see us approach the building.” When the location’s manager broke the news to us, we crumbled like the delicate flowers we are. There was the clutching of pearls, the rending of garments, and talk of a sit-in. As soon as I find out the exact date of closure, I will make preparations for sitting shiva.


• My only sister in the whole wide world is about to have her first child. OMG. OMG OMG OMG. I’m going to be an Auntie! I plan to be the cool aunt who listens to hip music and tries not to swear too much. For now, I am ignoring the fact that my future niece/nephew’s parents listen to hipper music than I do, and one of my favorite exclamations is, “Mother of pearl!”

You’re probably tiring of reading posts from me that apologize for my absence and then get your hopes up about my plans to blog more often. So I’m not going to promise that this time. Conveniently, this is not only amazingly considerate and kindhearted of me, but it also lets me off the hook for when I forget to blog again for three months.