Adventures in Retail

While I was at work today, I answered a phone call from a rather bubbly customer who wanted to know how late we were open. During our 15 second conversation, she called me “babe,” “honey,” “sweetie,” “kiddo,” “dear,” and “darling,” practically all in a row. She was very sweet, if a bit peculiar, and I hung up the phone laughing.

I would much rather deal with a person who oddly ends every sentence with a term of endearment than a person who can never seem to shake off the giant chip they found on their shoulder that morning.

If there is one thing that I would like to hammer home to the American Retail Consumer, should I have the opportunity to do so someday, it would be this: STOP BLAMING THE EMPLOYEE. Nothing makes the average retail employee shut down faster than unmitigated and undeserved wrath for a problem with a store policy, manufacturing issues, or consumer error. In other words, if you want me to fix your problem, bring me a problem I can fix.

I make a personal commitment to be kind, understanding, friendly, sympathetic, and available to every single customer that walks through my door. More often than not, I can help you find what you’re looking for, I can answer questions you haven’t even thought of yet, and I can do it happily. I go out of my way for people every day, because that is what makes people want to come back. But if you come into my store looking for a fight, you’re just going to piss me off. I’ll still do my best to help you, but I will remember you. I remember everyone anyway, but wouldn’t you rather I remember you and ask how your kids are than remember you and want to spray you with mace?

The key to being a good employee is not in knowing all the store procedures; it is not in knowing all the products on the market or being able to answer customer questions; it is not even in being nice to customers or fellow employees. The key is in knowing how to deal with the bastards.

A while ago, at the locally owned mom-and-pop store where I work, we had new-ish employee. She was average; she could do her job and was a reasonably nice person. One day a customer came in who wanted to return something that was clearly against our return policy, and which was obviously a result of customer error. When our employee (let’s call her Alice) refused to return the merchandise, the customer began to morph into Bitchy Customer Who Likes to Make a Scene. BCWLMS argued with Alice about the justification of her return, and Alice argued back. BCWLMS started to make nasty personal comments, and the discussion became heated. Alice was working by herself, with no management around. She tried to call a couple of people in management, but got no answer. Alice eventually told BCWLMS that if she continued to make a scene in the store, she would have to call the police. BCWLMS eventually left the store, contacted management on her own, and Alice was fired.

One could argue that Alice got completely fucked in this deal, as she was absolutely right about the store return policy and did all she could to keep the situation under control. This is where I start to sound cold-hearted, but I was in general support of Alice being fired. She handled the situation completely wrong. BCWLMS should never have gotten upset enough to warrant a scene. I suspect that if the conversation had been handled properly, the customer would not have grown so angry in the first place, and Alice could have recommended alternate courses of action to her, other than returning the merchandise to us. Even if that had not been possible, a good employee sees the red flags before they have been raised. If the situation is escalating beyond resolution, you refer responsibility: ask the customer to come back during a time when management will be present so they can talk directly to the boss. Find a way to keep them happy until somebody smarter than you can fix this. If all else fails, take back the freaking merchandise. This isn’t Soviet Russia, you don’t have a chain-smoking mob boss breathing down your neck, ready to chop off your little finger if you make a mistake at work. Any sensible store owner would prefer that you give the woman her $24.99 refund than cause a scene where you alienate not only BCWLMS, but also every customer in ear shot. And unless your BCWLMS is drunk or wielding a knife in your direction, you never threaten to call the police on them. That old adage, “The customer is always right”? Not true. More accurately: “The customer is not often right, but you sure as hell better act like they are or they won’t come back, and they’ll tell seven of their friends to stay away, too.” A really good employee will not only resolve the situation, but will make the customer feel as if it were somehow his/her own idea. And sell them something else at the same time. Don’t laugh, I’ve done it.

I will be the first person to say that BCWLMS was wrong and unkind. But unfortunately, in retail, that’s life. If you want to be a good employee, you shelve your feelings and do what’s best for the store, because that’s what we call a work ethic. So while BCWLMS was wrong, Alice was worse.

Much of this drama could be avoided if the American Retail Customer would hold up their end of things. Common courtesy goes a long way, people, and it’s surprisingly easy to make a retail employee happy:

• First, don’t assume the employee is at fault for store policy. We don’t make the rules, and it’s not our goal to make life difficult for you, promise.


• Second, we’re having a long day, too. The least you could do is smile or say hello when we say hello to you.


• Third, if you can’t control your children, either leave them at home, or have them put to sleep. Yes, that sleep. I am not paid to babysit your kids, or listen to them scream, cry, yelp, or whine. Running is dangerous and annoying. Look, I get that sometimes children are unruly and hard to placate, but the appropriate response to your son sending a toy car flying into my glass door is not “Good one, Timmy!” so don’t make me call Nanny 911 on your asses.


• Fourth, don’t talk up our competition stores in my presence. It’s rude. Especially in a small, locally owned, non-chain store.


• Fifth, don’t expect preferential treatment, even if you are a “regular.” I do my very best to go out of my way for all my customers, and if I can, I will accommodate your bizarre requests. But they should be requests, not demands, because that sense of arrogant entitlement is an ugly trait. This is retail; we don’t have high-rollers. If I want to give you preferential treatment, it should be my idea, not yours.


• Finally, please at least make an effort to find out what time we close. If you are in my store at closing time (and you said hello to me when you walked in) I will not kick you out. I will let you wander until you are finished shopping, because that it is the kind thing to do, and you might spend more money. But inwardly, I am screaming at you to GET OUT OF MY FREAKING STORE I WANT TO CLOSE UP AND GET HOME BEFORE LOST AND I HAVEN’T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT TODAY EXCEPT COFFEE AND TWIZZLERS SO IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD HURRY IT ALONG THANK YOU VERY MUCH. And if you keep me a half-hour past closing time, and you show up to my counter with $3.85 worth of merchandise, I reserve the right to sneeze on your change.

Thank you, have a nice day, and come again.