America by car: Part Two

After the wedding in New York, my mother and I set off again to take America’s highways by storm. We hit the road, with nothing but the clothes on our back and an itch for adventure.

Actually, we had like 15 bags of luggage and we were in a Lexus with a navigational system and dual climate controls. But the adventure part is true.

We took a little detour north to hit the Poconos, and Triple W Ranch, where we took a two hour trail ride through the mountains of Pennsylvania. Since we are both expert riders, we were able to do a bit more than just follow-the-leader. There is nothing quite like galloping across an open field with a backdrop of multicolored fall leaves, with the mountain breeze flying through your hair.

Driving back through the rest of PA, we wound along the scenic Rt. 6, where we were witness to the beautiful beginning stages of fall foliage. When you’ve lived in the middle of Nowhere, Nebraska for the past 5 years, you grow accustomed to wide, flat expanses of mountain-less scenery, with sparse lakes and sparser trees. Being amid the greens, reds, and golds of PA in October made me sorely miss the days of living on the East Coast.

I was, of course, sick. The congestion in my head made the pressure changes unbearable as we drove up and down the multi-elevation highways of PA, and my sinuses screamed. I had a few coughing fits, sneezed a lot, and was in a perpetual state of yawning as I tried to correct the pressure imbalance in my brain. I did my best not to complain, though, because there is no faster way to ruin a “vacation,” and I still had 3 days ahead of me in the car with my mother.

We stopped at the “Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania,” a monstrous gorge lined with thick trees and killer hiking trails. Mom and I hiked one (very short) half-mile trail; picking our way through the jutting roots of the stairwell-like forest trail was enough to make both of us hot and sweaty on a 50-degree, overcast day. Probably not good for my cold. The saving grace was the awesome stand at the top of the Canyon that sold hand-made maple syrup, maple butter, peanut butter, and ice cream. I had the most delicious bowl of peanut butter swirl ice cream I have ever had.

Once out of Pennsylvania, there was not so much to stop and see. Ohio has more cops on their highways than the rest of the country combined. I noticed this on our initial trip out to New York a week before, and made a mental note to count the cops on the way back. In the 436 miles we drove through Pennsylvania, we saw exactly one police cruiser. In the 279 miles we drove through Ohio, we counted 11 cops (which was not as many as we saw on the way out there). That works out to a ratio of one cop every 436 mi in PA, and one cop about every 25 mi in OH. Interestingly, Ohio also contained a lot of unfinished road construction. I’d like to know what Ohio’s taxpayers think about this use of their money.

In Broadview Heights, OH, we stopped for dinner at a ribs restaurant and "beer farm" called The Boneyard. The theme was skeletons, and walking into it was like stepping into the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyworld. The outside of the restaurant (which was in an otherwise normal-looking strip mall) had a big turret, upon which three skeletons were climbing toward the sky. As our waitress walked us to our booth, I counted 35 skeletons, and that wasn’t even counting the ones on the menu. I thought it was hilarious.

Given that the last time my mother and I took a driving trip through the Amish country, we got into a car accident directly related to a horse-and-buggy, I was a little apprehensive about returning. But my mother loves her some Amish people, so in Indiana we stopped at Amish Acres. I spent some time perusing a very interesting Amish store, which contained every statue of a farm animal ever made, divided up into sections according to species. The store also had a very interesting used books section (hardcovers - $1.00, paperbacks - $0.50). I picked up a book and read the blurb: “How much trouble can two kids get into? Enough to send them to jail…or OUTER SPACE!” I guess this is how Amish parents teach their kids to obey the law.

I bought a small jar of homemade peach butter at the store, and we were off. We stopped briefly on the way out of La Paz, Indiana at a McDonald’s for a couple of Cokes. I wondered if there was a local McDonald’s special for Amish country (as McDonald's sometimes have), and then I said, “I suppose the Amish probably don’t come to McDonald’s a lot.” To which my mother immediately responded, “Is there any horse manure in the drive-thru lane?” I love her.

Once we had hit all the requisite stops (a road trip isn’t a vacation in my family until you’ve hit a dirt road and a couple of Christmas stores), it was safe to go home. We returned to Nebraska late Thursday night, exhausted and relieved that the wedding was over. It was nice to see my kitty, and sleep in my own bed, and get a decent dose of Sudafed, but I kind of wish I didn’t have to get back to responsibility so soon. Each time this week that I have paid a bill, or had an idiot customer at work, I find myself daydreaming back to that trail ride in the Poconos, and I can still kind of feel the breeze on my face.