That's my Craiggles.

Work makes me homicidal. Responsibility gives me cramps. Being an adult drives me to drink. But 5 times out of 7, I know that at the end of the day I have someone waiting for me at home to welcome me with open arms and a knowing glance: my boyfriend, TV’s Craig Ferguson.

All throughout college (and much of high school), I was devoutly faithful to my then-boyfriend, Conan O’Brien. I mentioned my ex briefly during my rant on the Emmys, and I will only expand on that to say that I harbor no hard feelings toward him. I think we simply grew apart. His somewhat juvenile humor was enough to sustain me during that period of my life, and we had some very special moments that I will always hold dear to my heart. I will never look at a porcupine, for example, the same way again. But in the end, I needed someone who was speaking my language, someone who understood where I was in my life, who really knew me. Someone with an accent.

Every night at 11:35, Craig sings to me:

“It’s hard to stay up
it’s been a long, long day
and you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
and let’s do it anyway
It’s okay
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, okay?
Hey, hey
Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday!”

After he sings to me, Craig greets me with a pet name (sometimes I’m a “cheeky wee monkey,” sometimes I’m a “frisky little pony”). We talk about current events; he snarks on politics, America, Hollywood. Sometimes he tells me amusing anecdotes from his career or his childhood, and often he goes off on irretrievable tangents. Then we have company over, often talking to actors, authors, musicians, or politicians until the wee hours of the morning.

He’s always reliable, always punctual, and always Scottish. He knows this is important to me.

Most importantly, though, I know that when I come home, exhausted, from whatever trials life has thrown my way, I can relax and put my feet up without being required to answer to anyone for at least an hour. I don’t have to worry about tight deadlines, crazy customers, psychotic family members, or pseudo-friendships. I don’t need to muster up a single fake smile for anyone, because all my smiles are genuine between 11:35 pm and 12:35 am.

I can also relax knowing that if I fall asleep while he’s still talking, he will not take it personally, and he will be back tomorrow night to sing to me again.

Some memorable Craig nuggets:

“Has anyone noticed that drug dealers are the only people in America who have completely embraced the metric system?”

“If you’re in show business and you’re not bitter, then you’re not participating.”

“I was sitting in first class and the stewardess asked, ‘Warm nuts?’ and I said ‘No, I’m just happy to be in first class.’”