Executive decision.

Dear Corporate Employers,

Looking out my window, I see that when the snow is not falling in actual solid plates, it's moving in an angrily horizontal way. I can't see the building 30 feet away, partly because of the white-out conditions and partly because someone appears to have spackled over my windows. Al Roker tells me there's going to be 10" more on the ground by this afternoon, and although I don't put a whole lot of stock in his meteorological expertise, he seems to be backed up by Respected Weather King of the Greater Omaha Area, Jim Flowers.

Every school is closed and every news station is telling me to absolutely stay off the roads unless it's an emergency, because crews are sick of hauling our asses out of ditches. News anchors are showing CityCam shots of nothing but white while plugging the Today Show’s upcoming segment on “Fun Things to do on a Snow Day!” because obviously, they say, no non-essential personnel should be at work today. Then they laugh superciliously at the thought of any employment establishments that would be foolish enough to disagree.

I bring this all up to you because I have called the Corporate Weather Line approximately 38 times this morning. 39, if you count the time I accidentally misdialed and got Pizza Hut. And every time (with the exception of the Pizza Hut call), I got the same message: “All offices and systems are open for normal business hours.”

With all due respect, Sirs: whatever. I'm calling a Snow Day. You cannot convince me that I am essential personnel. If you consider me essential personnel, then I think we should be discussing an entirely different pay bracket. Also, I'm willing to bet you will not pay for my damage when some idiot hits my shiny, shiny new car because they think that all SUVs are actually Hummers, or the resulting damage to their own vehicle when I go all Anger Management on their Jeep Liberty.

If you have any questions regarding my decision, you are more than welcome to come over for cinnamon buns and coffee, and we will discuss the matter under some quilts.

Best,
Meldraw